A True Friend

So i was talking to my friend jessica, about drugs and all, and about how things ruin lives,

She told me, she wants me to read, what she wrote, a while back,
and i thought id post it here, because honestly, It is the most beautiful thing i have ever read,
so here goes what she wrote -

Going along as i always do, I try to see good in the world. I see you. Lonely and hurting from the curses. You say that you don't want to live anymore..and i agree that death in sleep would be peaceful,but i do not wish it for you. The words hurt my ears. I ask you to not speak of such things. You think that i am just trying to be nice and am not being genuine...but there is something you should understand. I know how it feels.

 

I know of hatred. Detachment. The feelings of Cold-heartedness come without warning. Anger build without definite reason or purpose. Being so angry that you yell and want to choke the ones you are suppose to be loving. I know the ways of a broken heart. Another part of you seems to die every time and you just want to finish dying along with it. Ripping pieces from what faith you have in true love.

I know how it is to be abused..emotionally..physically..sexually. Wondering when it will end. You just want to make the ending come sooner. Afraid to go to sleep because of the haunting nightmares.Every memory of such is an emotional/physical attack of panic and anxiety. Hiding under the bed, locked in your bedroom, in a bathroom or even in a closet praying that it will stop. Not wanting anyone to see you like that because it will only make it worse.

The days of doing so many drugs, because it seems to be the only escape, are far too real. Becoming addicted and hating yourself for it. It is then something you need and not just want..willing to do anything to get it...and from that you should know that i am familiar with being poor. To feel the need to steal and to steal. You cant find work. It becomes discouraging because you have wants and needs to  supply. Knowing that you could go without the substances but being too ashamed from all that you have done to get help. Leading to extreme depression. Exhausted of it all.

I remember the times of lying in bed. Head throbbing in pain from crying too much. Of being tired of praying..left asking god, "what is the purpose in this?". I know how it feels to want to let go of the wheel, while driving, in hope that you might hit a tree. Days spent in a room, staring at the ceiling, begging to god, "Just reap your harvest already!" Crouched down in the shower..hand over head, just chanting, "kill me, god" or wondering if there even is a god anymore.

I know how it is to cut away with a razor to create a greater pain than the emotional one. Feeling dead inside to the point of which that is the only way to get a rush. It only leaves you with blood and scars. One day my daughter will ask me what mine mean. You can't change it..you can only cover it..in hopes that no one else will ask. Then it's better to lie than for them to think you are psychotic or worse..feel sorry for you.

I know how it is to be fat; to feel fat. Having a distorted self-image; Going days on end without eating, exercising till you almost faint and abusing pills...only to see no change in the reflection. I know the feelings of worthlessness, fear and failure. 

Even more i say to you, i know what you are going through! I can relate. It seems like there will be no tomorrow. Then the morning comes. You know its there but you hate to open your eyes. You can't stand for your children to cry or to see you cry because you feel that you are to be the strong one. Sickness riddles you, people die around you and the rest of the world goes half mad. Twisted in the mind. Hollow in the spirit. The world conforms you. Things eats away at your conscience. I am familiar with the convictions all these types of things can bring. It effects everything you perceive; faith, trust, friendship..Love. 

You say you hate yourself. Well, i cannot change the way you think. All i can do is tell you my stories to let you know that you are not alone. You are not alone.

reading this made me cry, and also realize that this woman, is amazing,
thanks Jessica, for sharing this amazing letter with me ,  <3

The little things that count

So, the last two days may not have been the best career wise, but if someone asked me what good happened in the last two weeks, id say loads.

Last week, was a boost of confidence, like a super boost.

First i get called a hotelier (no matter how old we get into the institute, when you hear it from a teacher for the first time, your heart just melts)

My service got complimented, and also my guiding skills. (it feels amazing when you are told you are excellent, and had no mistakes whatsoever)

I got called one of the most well groomed people in my batch (oh god the ecstatic feel to that)

also a random stranger asked me if i was an air hostess, coz im tall and smart... i was like woahhh cool :D


so then after all these things, i looked at myself in the mirror, and the only thing that came to my head was, wow ,  i think i can make it, i look good, :D


so yeah, even though i had no placement , i still feel awesome!!! <3

peace out

Mistakes

Okay, so i know how long it has been since i have written something,
I could not write, because i was too busy panicking and being depressed over something that did not even require my bloody attention.

So back to the new and most awaited topic, that i wanted to talk about,
My Placements have begun, and after a terrifying first round of oberois, and not even making it at OCER, i realized what i may want, and what it is that helps you with interviews.

My teachers, specially one teach Shraddha Paul mam, was telling us that being us, does not really help us crack interviews.
Loads of different guest lectures, told us to be ourselves,
so which one is the truth, which one isnt.
I will help you guys out with this,

Teachers as usual, were correct here,
I did not get selected because of my lack of interest in politics,
I should not have mentioned it, but i did, and i paid the price for it.

The problem is, my interest in politics is affected by my nature of being unbiased, that is why i do not like following the political world. Probably why i will never enjoy it, yes i can talk about it, but i would not take sides, or be opiniated about it or any other party.

I learnt from this personal interview that, you cannot be completely honest if you want to crack a good placement, yes maybe a little honest , but complete honesty just lets you to your downfall,

Though i have my dream job interview tomorrow, yes i don't feel very confident, but i will go out there and do my best, because at the end of the day, you knowing you tried is all the counts,
and i'd like to thank my teacher for helping me groom myself into perfection.

Peace out.