how to survive a war against yourself

Day when you start thinking, no i cant take it anymore, is when you accept defeat,

which can lead to disastrous consequences.

we all have times, when we feel low, and feel there is no hope for us, you feel like killing yourself.

People generally have suicidal thoughts, because they do not love themself enough, and probably undermine themselves, more than the human mind can generally take.

The cause's for self esteem can be because of a third person, and usually is because of a third person.

This happens due to, 

  a) during your childhood you had a whole bunch of kids making fun of you,

  b) your parents, start critisizing every aspect of you.

  c) you have negative self realization

All three reasons together can cause a mind fucking disaster.

So what keeps you alive, even if you are going through that?

It can be a little bit of love, and a lot of hope.

But when you don't have that, and you can't kill yourself, you start thinking you are too coward to kill yourself, that just puts you in depression, and well to those who have suffered that, or want to, trust me you dont wanna be there,

So you must be wondering why i gave that title,

It can be probably used as a self help, or maybe as a place where you feel comfortable knowing there are people more worse than you are.

I'd want to say, yeah, I am at war with myself, why am i at war with myself?

Because a part of me hates the other part of me,

sounds complicated? 

It really isn't.

The happiest people in the world are the one's who are okay with themselves, every aspect, every part, inclusive of the bad one.

And, there is a big difference between fake happy, and really being happy,

I'd say the one's who fake it , think they can fool the world, but its only them they are fooling.

Really happy people are not materialistic.

So why would one be at war with themselves?

=> hating some aspects such as the side where you feel isolated and distant, knowing that only you cause it.

We usually hate ourselves, because we give ourselves a chance to overthink, and we look into the small details of life.

So how do we stop that? 

Truth is we can't, we cant stop ourselves from being the essence of what we are, 

but what we can do is, try to also think about the good things,

you see along with some bad things, there are always good things as well,

sure, i wont be able to point out any good things about me, but i'm sure someone else will, and learning how to appreciate that someone's word, will help you survive through that terrible and horrible phase.

I know i'm still at war with myself, but knowing i have people, so what if it isn't family, they are still human beings who appreciate me, and this... makes me stop , 

It let's me survive this aweful war, which seems worse than the world war,

Those who have hope and love, will always be able to survive anything, and being at war with yourself is nothing, compared to the wide spectrum of possibilities of mishaps, 

Me - the eternal loser

Well, i know the topic sounds a little less happy, well it's probably because I am not happy right now, as much as i pretend to be.

This morning, i got told something, i know it shouldn't hurt me much, because i have been hearing it for so long, one should get used to it, but i guess i long for that affection, for being noticed so much, that i probably will never move on over it.


Okay, the thing is, I know my parents love me, they care and all that jazz, but i guess bringing up my sibling makes them think they dont need to give me the same amount of attention and affection and all that crap.

They believe i dont need them, they think Im lesbian to revolt against them.
Which made me kind of laugh, why would i want to rebel, i mean come on.

Most times, i would not write about such things in a public forum, but this one will probably go unnoticed so I should say,
I love my parents, they have done nothing but support me, all my life.

But i dont think i'm good enough, nor can i ever be,
Yeah sure once i was good and focused, but, now i can't be anymore,
I guess apart from being a nice person, (which i still dont believe i am) i'm nothing,
I am nothing, and i will always feel that way,

They say your parents are the source of happiness, well, I just hope, one day maybe, one day they will notice what i have become, and i really want them to be my source, i really want to share everything with them.

Today, i was about to jump off my balcony, you know completely thought it through, just because i felt so powerless, useless, and basically just like a loser,
but then, after all those tears from gathering up the guts to jump off, I thought about my girlfriend, Ane, how i'm supposed to meet her, and if i kill myself... i wont be able to.

That stopped me, but kept me in a state of shock, that i was just about to commit suicide,
and no, ive always been considered a brave person, never did i actually come this close to ending my life,

well, i guess, Ane saved my life,
and then my brother helped me more, by talking to me, he tells me i dont love myself, i should, else nobody else will be able to.

People I do love myself, but its just not enough,
So why do i get the title of eternal loser?
-Don;t love myself
-not good at studies
-Dont have a special talent
-not a very nice person


and there are more but i wouldnt wanna bore anyone with the stupidity of a list.

I guess it's me signing off here, and if you guys wanna talk, ever, contact me on facebook,
Name - Stevie rae (naina dasan)

peace out

My day out with Daddy!

I consider myself to be a very distant person, when it comes to my family,
I mean yeah, i listen and I hear everything, but i do not necessarily share everything.

Maybe because a part of me always feels ignored, being the younger one in the house, and being always treated like a kid. Probably my own imagination, but it doesn't change what I feel.

So, on 23rd june, It's a sunday, Daddy has an off on sunday.

Okay before i continue with my day, let me describe my relationship with my father.
He is very practical, as a person, and people say that i am a lot like him, (in every way) but when it comes to daddy, i rarely get the opportunity to share things with him. Yeah, i mean he is awesome, but sometimes it's hard to you know, just come out. But I love him, like a lot.


So recently i had been dying to go watch man of steel, and well, Sunday, Daddy spontaneously decided to take me!(yaay)

Well movie was good, and it was even better when daddy said he found it good too, you know we talked about how lois lane always lands in trouble, and how this superman looks okay without the underwear.

After the movie finished, daddy decided to take me for a drive, to see the river, being flooded and destruction caused by it, but, yeah we did make some crazy videos, which now when we see it looks very professional, it was fun with daddy,

After that we went to pick up ma, from her work place, and then picked up my brother and went to see family friends, well, it was nice, and the best part was, when we came back, Daddy and I sat down  and watched the most interesting final ever,

It was so cool, daddy and i bonded just on cricket,
it was indeed an amazing day, and probably made me realize that if daddy and i sit down to actually talk, we dont need anybody else, probably because we both laugh at each others jokes (same sense of humor)


Well daddy all i wanna say, is that I love you!