Discovering myself.

So today i begin writing about something, i have been holding back for quite some time.

The last 20 days... i finally had peace and quite and the opportunity to actually look at myself, of how i was to the world, of how everyone actually thought of me, and what bothers me and what doesnt.

My story starts 20 days ago.

I honestly am sick and tired of the lies people tell around me. That is one thing i cannot tolerate anymore. Lying.
So my parents decided to use me as a spy, to see if my brother goes to work, honestly, i believed with all my heart that my brother indeed did go to his work place, so i refused the first time, but we all know parents.

What bothered me most was, he wasn't there at work, i thought he would be there and he wasn't. I still decided to give him the benefit of doubt, but then he lied to me on my face, and said he was at work when i called him.
For me, that was the ultimate betrayal.
In these times, i had come to trust my brother, and i knew he would never lie to me, but he did.
I dont regret what i did next, but i did tell my parents he wasn't there.
I want my brother to be an independent person, not this guy who just gets bored and lives off his parents. I love him, and i want him to be the man my father is.

I had apoorva with me at that point of time, she thought she could calm me down, but well, i did cry silently when i was alone. So i stayed with apoorva that night, and next day i went to grandparents. That also wasn't bad.
I know there was something wrong in the house. My brother refused to talk to me. He still says i have no heart, well maybe i don't.

I was talking to Ane, but it seems like she and i already started talking less and less to each other. yes i was going through a tough time, and no i did not want to bother her about it.

\The 3 days away from my parents made me think of moving into the flat with apoorva and kenson, well it was better and certainly more peaceful. Home did not feel very homey to me.

Apoorva convinced my dad to give me a trail week, to see how i do alone, and my god , it was the most.... amazing time, amazing because i went to college, did all my things myself.

My brother was still angry with me, well he can be, i honestly dont care. (thats a lie)

All this time, i realized, there was this hole forming inside of me, you know like a void, or a black hole, which sucks in all types of feelings.
Honestly i started feeling like a robot, not happy, not sad. Yeah i couldn't talk to anyone.

For years ive kept  company around me to avoid me being alone with myself.
I can't handle it, i think about issues which id rather ignore.
My trip to kerela, for 10 days, alone, well, it was a way to face my demons. (i will write more about it in the followin articles, describing every demon)

Now, id say im a person, who just isnt going through the best of times.
2013 is sure not ending perfectly,
Disasters that happened till now
    -ane lost her net, for probably 20 days, i dont know how il survive
    -I have nothing inside of me
    - i am lacking emotional connection
    - i am wondering how my sexual prefference would affect the family, yes i may say i dont care about the society but my family does.
    - apoorva (this story will be ellaborated soon)
   

all this happened in the span of 10 days mind you, and im leaving out the sickness amongst my grandparents.

good things? well there are always good things
  - pretty face, or ursula my swedish friend was there for me
  - cazzy said yes to travelling with me
  - im back in delhi, and im moving into the flat
  - i got a 50$ note yay
  - saundy is coming to the new years party wohooo
  - my brother did call me heartless, but atleast he is talking to me
  - my wish on the shooting star came true, i asked the star to keep ane safe, and well i got the message.


considering how my good outweighs the bad, i think im still a positive person, if not heartless,

i hope you guys have an amazing year ahead,
i'll be writing more!
happy new year guys! :)