2021 - Closure. Thank you Didu.

 Before I started writing this to wind up my year, I decided to look back on what I wrote last year. 

Some of it was hilarious, some of it was too technical, and some of it came from a very delirious mind.

When this year started, I felt like I had finally woken up after a long nap. It wasn't the most pleasant feeling. 

I woke up to a dystopian reality where there is a pandemic going around. I woke up to the idea that I may have lost all the people who meant something to me during my sickness. 

I was halfway into recovery when 2021 started. I had no sensations on my legs, needed a walking stick, looked like a skeleton (when I look back at the pictures I'm terrified of what I had become.)

This year I lost someone who meant a lot to me. My grandmother. It's hard to write about this, because I have difficulty in showing grief. 

In 2020, during my raging sickness, my grandmother used to sleep with me. She helped me clean me vomiting every night. She took care of me. She was also the only one who actually understood and sympathized with me during this time. My mom and Lameeya my other two care takers also ran out of patience(understandably). But not her. 

She was always great at taking care  of people. That's what she had done all her life. I regret not learning cooking when she tried to teach me as a kid. And oh my god she made the most amazing food. 

Didu was traditional. She knew I was gay, and she never ever ever stopped loving me any less because of it. If anyone knew her, everyone would say that's amazing because Didu was very opinionated. When I say this, I say it very very fondly. 

Last year, i remember her making jokes and laughing about how some of my other family members expect me to date a dude/marry them. I think towards the end she had become way more accepting of how I chose to live life. 

I used to keep talking to her after I came back home, asking her food stuff, and her sending me bengali script information and asking Lameeya to read it for me. 

This sounds so eerie, but I had a dream in March about Didu passing away. I remember waking up and telling Lipi about it. I put it off because Didu was healthier and happier. 

A few days later I got a call from mom, saying that she had a stroke. I went to visit her, and the thing was she still insisted she sleep with me. Didu had good motor function, and was cognitive about what we were saying. She even took care of herself, she just had difficulty with language. 

I remember her rubbing my back in the middle of the night while she thought i was sleeping. Giving me some love.

Once she seemed okay, I went back home. On 12th April, Lameeya said she will take an off the next day and we should go visit Didu and my parents. The next Morning we were just having breakfast and were about to leave, when my mom called. 

Mom said it doesn't look like she will last long.

We reached and we saw Didu on bed, still breathing. But the moment I saw her I knew, it wasn't too long. I had my lunch sitting next to her holding her hand. Telling her all about how my appetite is back, and how I really want to eat her food again. She passed away, took her last breath while I held her hand. 

One thinks it's very scary losing someone, seeing someone die. It was a bit different for me. Didu left me no space to be angry at her or at god for dying. Something about how she passed away was very calming and beautiful.  

I'm glad she got the ending she always wanted for herself. I'm glad she didn't have to suffer. But I really do miss her.

These days I find myself wanting to eat certain things with nobody to call for a recipe to. Didu was always my go to person when it came to food. No more inappropriate jokes. No more Didu. 

If she were listening, she should know that she was very loved.

Ha, look at me taking up all this real estate talking about how much I miss someone.But there is a point, i swear there is. 

I remember when Dadu had fallen ill, I regretted not being able to spend time with him, or be there when he passed away. It was a great loss, and I feel like Didu gave me closure. Just like how she helped everyone with closure (That is their story to tell), she gave me closure on all the regret I had for not getting enough time with them. 

Didu also happened to pass away 1 day before the second wave of covid took over the country. So basically she left very conveniently, without causing us much trouble, again showing how much she cared about us.

I'm bawling my eyes out when I writing this, because I know I will always miss her, and I will always love her. 

I feel like Didu passing away was like a path for me towards more of a spiritual growth. 2020 was a mess, and I don't know, maybe because I saw comfort in all of that, I felt like I needed to reflect a bit.

I also feel like a completely different person. I don't know what it is, but being close to death yourself makes you analyze things. Reflect on your life. Reflect on your state of mind. 

I find myself caring less about things that seem superficial, but more about my personal bonds with people. 

I feel closer to my mom. I don't know what it is, but Didu passing away might have something to do with it. I value our relationship, irrespective of whatever personal issues I have with her. 

My dynamic with Lameeya has changed too. We are somehow more intimate, because of everything in the past two years. 

I found a new career path, one I seem to enjoy a lot, and I have an awesome mentor too. I'm studying a bit to sharpen my skills, but this is good. I like this very much.  

Yes, I do have some regrets from 2020, but this stupid self growth makes me think that they didn't deserve me anyway. I can not chase people who didn't understand what I was going through. 

I got a chance to finally redefine certain friendships I have, and pre-illness Naina was not the person I wanted to be anymore.

I can't say I am mature now either,  but I think I'm on my way there. 

This year is again ending with another lock down, and well now that I'm present it really sucks. I mean finally when my feet are able to walk just a tiny bit more, covid hits again. I guess since I missed the experience the first time, this will be new to  me. 

I hated and loved 2021, and for a lot of people it seemed like 2020, but for me 2020 was me living in an alternate reality, so maybe it got rebooted because I needed to see this too? 

I don't know, but I know I'm coming out of this year, stronger, and ready to face the world again. 

Happy new year folks!

 

(Sorry if I made you cry)