2022 - The year of self work and growth

 2021 was a relatively good year, and I was starting 2022 with an absolutely new resolve. 

I remember thinking, okay Naina, let's start again. 

I was lucky enough to actually start working towards a new career immediately at the start of this year. 

I met some amazing people along the way, and I think getting back into a course was one of the best decisions for me because everything was just falling into place. 

I also understood myself a lot better this year, and I must say it helped me breeze through the first few months. Studying hard, cracking the first placement, and finally working in a place where people are cool and I feel safe. 

But my career is not the only thing I had to rework, I felt completely disconnected with a version of myself before I was ill. I don't know why that is, but I do feel like a completely different person. 

I also learnt how to be kinder to myself. I felt sad about how 2020, and 2021 was. There were just too many losses, but... 2022.... it was all about starting from scratch. 

I have been able to narrow down a lot of things about myself, including the people who were more harmful for me than i realized. I end this year disconnecting myself from those people, in hopes that I can finally be free of any trauma that had been haunting me for years. 

It's definitely not easy letting go of things that are familiar to you, regardless of how harmful it is. This can come in the form of very abusive relationships. 

I don't want to pretend to be or feel something I don't about people anymore. There is a certain freedom to owning your truth and not care how the other person feels about it. I think sometimes it's important to prioritize yourself and your understanding of yourself over everything else

This year was also about me embracing certain mental health issues I have, alongside the very obvious neurodivergence. I think I can probably say I am mostly okay with it and know how to harness it to be useful for me. 

I am in the process of understanding who I am as a person, and that is one of the reasons I have been mostly disconnected from the world. 

But yes, even with all of this, I also got engaged at the beach very romantically. We have had a hard time, and we worked on our relationship quite a bit this year. 

I end 2022 with a lot of great things, engaged, a new career, a new job, new friends, new games to obsess over, but most importantly, I am ending this year with a better understanding of myself. 

Thank you to everyone who has managed to stick around, even with me not really contacting them, 

but also thanks to those who left, because I would have never known how terrible you really are if you didnt. 

Okay last bit was mean, but why not embrace that I only want to be mean to these folks. 

With this last bit of honesty and embracement of my pettyness towards certain folks, I end my new years note.

May 2023 be even more interesting, and definitely more fun. 

Happy New Year everyone!

AND I AM ENGAGED!!!

 AHHHHHHHH!

Before anything else!

The vacation to Goa was decided because we both realized we needed a break. 

It was an absolute blast. 

We visited quite a few places, and my favourite now, forever will be Morjim. 

Ah, the place of the olive ridley turle nesting, and a beautiful beach that meets into a river. Lovely clean beach, less people, and the perfect visuals. 

She decided to surprise me further by booking us a photoshoot. Somehow she got a photographer in North Goa, who btw was brilliant. 

Then imagine my surprise when this happened, 

Ofcourse I said yes,

and then we goofed around and enjoyed the view which suddenly became so much more and less at the same time,

I am going to spend my life with this beautiful lady, and i couldnt be happier. 

12th August 2022 was the day when August became alright again.

If you do this, you are being homophobic

Now now, before we all get super offended or excited, I want to clarify something here. Recently I have come across some pseudo allies and that is great. I am glad we have some form of acceptance, but I feel like this conversation still needs to happen. A lot of "straight/cis" allies are well-meaning but they do sometimes cross a boundary or hurt us without meaning to. So I decided to write this for those people who are really interested in being a better more understanding and empathetic ally. 

1) Who is the man?

I know I know, this is like such a repeated concept, and I feel tired mentioning this, but the fact is, regardless of the number of times people have been educated about this they still hold this sense and belief that there must be a man and women in a relationship dynamic. Not only is this enforcing gender stereotypes, but you are also being transphobic and extremely non-sensitive to gender. Like if you have done this before, please stop. 

Some people may say oh no we mean who is more dominant/submissive, well to that I say, I don't think what a couple share in the bedroom is your business unless they voluntarily share it with you. So don't ask.

2) Modern Problem Require Modern Solutions

This is specific to people who say gay people are fine but they need to be held to the same standards as people of the opposite sex. 

It's a bit hard to grasp so I will give an example -

Straight Girl to Another girl - Hey girl! You are so pretty! 

Another girl - Thanks! you too!

Gay Girl to another girl - Hey girl! You are so pretty! 

Everyone else - this is inappropriate! You shouldn't be saying that. 

Sexuality doesn't change how you interact with another gender, we all grew up with the same people, observing the same behavior. I am not saying that if you feel uncomfortable you should not speak up, but maybe look into what exactly is causing the discomfort, if it's because the person is gay/lesbian, then buddy you know what you need to work on.

3) Laughing at someone making you go through another gendered line

So this one is a bit personal to me. I have massive gender dysphoria when I am asked to go to the men's line based on how I express myself. The unfortunate part is, that it's not even about the expression. But I will get to that.

Since this happens very often to me, I remember it hitting me really hard when I was hanging with my friends and these guards asked me to go through the male line. My friends who were ahead of me heard this and started laughing. Sure I played it off like a funny thing, but it really isn't that funny. 

People assuming my gender is not something you should be laughing at, because for someone like me who has been struggling with gender their whole life, it's not helpful when mainstream society puts you in certain boxes, especially when you belong to neither.  

4) Ewww please don't talk about your sex life

Alright so we all are adults, and we all are sexually active (Barring the ace people out there). It's totally alright to be uncomfortable talking about sex. It's not okay when you are comfortable talking about straight sex but not queer sex. 

I know imagining other people being together can be a little uncomfortable, but if someone is sharing something so intimate with you, and this person is close to you, and you claim to support them, there is a way to put it forward. If the fact that it's two women/two men who are sleeping together makes you uncomfortable for whatever reason, then you are being homophobic. Please stop doing this if you are doing this now, it's really not cool.

5) If you like a butch woman or a femme man you are probably straight

I am moving back to this topic because this one makes me really angry. I just spoke about gender stereotypes a while back, and I want to highlight it again. Come on, say it with me - 

A FEMM WOMAN IS A WOMAN

A BUTCH WOMAN IS A WOMAN

A TRANS WOMAN IS A WOMAN

A BUTCH MAN IS A MAN

A FEMM MAN IS A MAN

A TRANS MAN IS A MAN

I am purposely not mentioning non-binary folks here because people still struggle with the above concept, however, I do want to know an ideal mantra for non-binary folks (do drop a comment and DM).

6) Stop hooking your friend up with the opposite gender

If your friend tells you they are gay, please don't make it your personal responsibility to ensure they are 100% sure. It's their life, their choice, and most importantly their journey. Believe me, when I say this, with the life we have, nobody wants to be gay as a choice. It's a lot of hardship, so please for the love of god stop trying to hook up your friend. 

And hooking up a friend while they are in a relationship with someone of the same gender is just you being beyond homophobic. So don't do that either. 

I know I as a person keep saying I want to turn people gay, it's mostly a response to the above attitude I have faced over the year. I cannot turn people gay as much as you can turn people straight. So take a page from your own reaction to me saying I wanna turn the world gay, and laugh off this weird notion you have about turning the world straight. It ain't happening, buddy.

Moving forward, I know a lot of you would probably say but oh I didn't mean it like that, but it was a joke or anything. But please understand some jokes can be offensive to other people, and we can all keep getting better. 

Peace out goiz.

Do not repeat your patterns (some positive affirmations)

 I have always been a very focused person. If I do something wrong, I used to get massive anxiety and get completely distracted from what I was meant to do. 

After a few difficult years, and having another chance to start again, I had decided to focus on being more mindful and not let anxiety get the best of me. 

Positivity + Optimism = Goals to last through life. 

I really do believe it, but these days with all the stress I find myself falling back to similar patterns. The need to be perfect, the need to always be on toes, going beyond what I can mentally tolerate, to reach that level of perfection. 

I have finally managed to identify the fact that I may indeed be a little harder on myself than I need to be.

Time to take a step back, take a deep breath, and not let small hiccups be the deciding factor on how the universe is functioning. 

Hiccups are a good thing, it means I am in the right direction. I am making mistakes. Mistakes are good. They help you learn. 

The universe will do what's best for me. 

The universe knows what's best for me. 

I trust in the universe. 

I will continue to learn and grow. 

I will continue being who I am. 

I will be successful.

I am successful.

So stop moping around, pick yourself up again, and don't let this be your deciding factor. 

Your problems don't control you, the way you deal with them does. 

And I will be just fine. <3