The perfect illusion

Recently I had the time to rewind back my mind, and figure out what the ahem just happened in my life.

Things that i remember are so different from what I see now.

A break up is difficult, but breaking up with someone who you discovered so many things with is even worse.

I met this person in a party, yes a party. Not online, because eh after all the heart break and emotional trauma, I thought it would be better to keep it real. (Or so I thought)

You sit down to talk about things, on your first date. Things like relationship expectations, what you want, what you need, why it didnt work before. You tend to note down these things, thinking that the other person's ex is the one who is at fault, because the other person is just perfect (Its like you have foggy lens)

I heard things. Things I wouldnt discuss in a public forum, but then these things made me dislike the ex too much. I was too busy trying to fix the damages the ex had done, hoping that would win this person over.

Obviously this person was into me as well (or claimed to be, I dont know I was a rebound I guess)
I had a very heart breaking moment, when she asked the dogs where is mummy, and the dogs started looking for the ex. My person broke down crying. At that moment I knew, I was just someone who is helping her get through a tough time. I didnt want to accept it, because I had fallen for the wits and charm of the person, and wanted to stay in it. Hoping the same would be reciprocated to me.

I guess she did her best to try and reciprocate it, but it felt sort of forced. But again, me being the blind idiot, didnt care. I was in my own bubble of enjoying things. I guess things got tough when another element was added to the relationship. See, the worst part of it all was. I believe in sticking to a decision. Nothing is ever perfect.

There will always be something you dont like about someone, but you work your way around it.

Today I look back, I see all the signs, I see them today, I see what an idiot I was, and I see what an idiot I am.

I broke my age rule, shouldnt have done that. I did that for a reason. I thought I would make it work, because i can make her laugh right? well I was wrong.


At the begginigng, everything felt so perfect, it was an illusion for the longest time.
and now. NOW. I see it for the fucking bullshit it was.

I doubt myself for not being good enough, why?
I doubt myself for not doing justice to her, why?
I doubt myself for fucking every little thing.

I thought I had closure. You know if i would sit down with her one last time, talk to her about something. Things that bother me. I thought we had decided not to talk about each other. She promised me she would not get cozy with this girl.
We had a freaking deal!

Yet I witnessed what i did. Sorry doesnt cut it. I am hurt, and i do not know how to deal with it.

Positives yes. Positives lets look at those.
But everyone just wants me to be a heartless bitch.


This is my first ever break up note, and yes, aparently i let her take power over me.
Damn It! Lesson learnt! lesson well fucking learnt!