You scare me

I wish I could easily express what I feel,
Easily speak to you, like you speak to me.
Make you understand how you make me feel,
Make you see what I am now without you.

I am in awe of you,
the essence of you,
the way you make me feel safe,
when the rest of the world has always been a threat.

I remember the day I met you,
I was so nervous, I told you things,
Things I would never say to people.
You were kind to me.

I saw you for the first time that night,
It felt real, it felt so different.
I didn't know you,
But I felt like I belonged.

I was confused by how you could be,
Be the person I needed at that point,
change, adapt , be different, yet be mine,
when you are with me.

You have such a big heart,
always loving , always giving, always caring,
I wonder if you let people take care of you,
treat you the way you should be treated.

Your absence makes me feel empty,
Your presence makes me overwhelmed,
I need you to see this side of me,
To understand how I am.

I feel a pinch of jealousy,
It doesn't make sense I know,
but I wish I could sweep you away,
and speak to you any time I wanted to.

For now, I will just stick to this,
hoping I will one day,
Have the courage to make you see.

Love ?

Love is not who you think it will be,
It hits us in the most unexpected way,
Love won't come to you if you try to hard,
Love won't come to you if you don't try either.

Love is a strange thing.
Yet... All our life we seek for love,
Be it from your family, your lover or
even the cute little fur ball you have at your home.

Love is never absent,
Yet it's never present either.
Love is just there,
In a constant state of suspension.

Love will make you win,
Love will defeat you.
People have written countless things about love,
Yet with all those words of wisdom,
We find ourselves clueless about love.

The Poet

I recently learned that hurt makes you a poet,
You start speaking your emotions through poetry,
Express yourself in words people hardly understand.
I say hardly because the most beautiful poems I've ever read, are so cryptic .
I read them when I was younger, they were just well written.

I re-read them again, and now they have a different meaning to me.

They touch my soul, and I feel like I live through them.
They are not my words, yet I feel so connected.
Sometimes I wish those poets weren't dead.
Sometimes I feel I'm dead. 

Devoid of emotions,
till I hear a love song,
read a love poem ,
read a poem about grief, see someone suffer.

Why do we need such extreme things to happen,
to make us feel? 

I feel so much.
And then some days I feel nothing.

It's a tough place to be in.
I'm a tough person to be around.
I wish everything was not extreme. 

I wish.. everything was back to last year this time.
When the most beautiful thing in my life happened.

Though I don't get to rewind, only move forward.
Forward with... Forward to...?
I don't know it's all hazed up now.
I'm tired now, I just want all of this to fade away... I want to fade away

Fear

Have you ever been afraid?
Afraid of what people might think of you,
Afraid of what you might think of you,
If you want this way , instead of the other.

Fear has always been paralyzing to me.
Destroying relationships I thought I needed.
Jealousy and insecurities surfaced, 

because of my fear of myself.

I talk to people, and get to know them.
They think they know me, but they don't.
I hide myself, I hide the real me.
I let fear ensure that I never be vulnerable.

Fear has been my only friend,
It has also been my worst enemy.
Seeping in, to ensure I have no other friend.
Going away when I really need it most.

I stopped feeling fear for a while in my life,
Then the unspeakable happened,
And now... Fear clings on to me,
Like a horrible shadow, unwilling to let go.