Ending 2017, The year of DEATH.

Where do I even start with this year?

So many things, so many people, SO MANY MEMORIES!

This year I started with a very morbid thought. Heart broken, wanting to end and finish things, not knowing how to be after what you call a massive heartbreak.

I laugh when I look back on it.

I got to know many people (Do not ask how I got to know them, it was mostly for one night).  Mostly because I did not want to be alone with myself.

Either way, I was the most active this year. In terms of emotional turmoil, self discovery, finally being okay with stuff, and oh cats! Didn't know I would be so cool with cats.

January was a disaster. I think I broke a few hearts. Including someone who I can still say is my friend (Don't know if she feels the same). If you are reading this, I am really sorry for what I made you go through. I just wasn't ready to accept love. Love was a dead concept.

February I found myself on another interesting journey. I met someone, and well, we had fun. I thought I would mention I want casual things, so that I didn't cause another heart break. But oh well, I was the one who had the heart break. Lesson learnt from this. DO NOT EVER DECIDE WHAT YOU WANT OUT OF A RELATIONSHIP!

March... ah march was interesting. I met two rather polar people. (Do not judge me for double dating, I was confused at this point, also poly amorous. Thought it would help me)
One was purely a physical relationship, the other was everything. Everything I ever wanted or needed. Made me want to forget the purely physical one... but it didnt last. Because it got too intense too quick.
Interestingly enough the physical relationship did last. You wouldnt really call it a relationship though. Mostly because it was a friendship. Though as you see, its a pattern, it got a little more than that for me.

I took a trip to varanasi, discovered some sense of peace. Tara and Kiran gave me this. It was much needed. Ended up running away from there mostly because I love delhi, and i wanted that person. It was borderline obsession, and let me tell you, it was the most unhealthy thing I did.

Clearly things didnt work out, and well, I went for speed dating. AND THAT WAS IT!

Speed dating, ha. I met two people, amazing people. Well, one of them still remains as someone I look up to, and run to. My adoration for them stems from how they have been. The other person was who I sort of had a relationship with. I didn't feel the spark, but I wanted to give it a shot. I believed that anything can happen if you have an open mind.
Obviously it didnt.
Obviously I was slapped (Much deserved)
Obviously I was told to "F*ck off! f*ck off! f*ck off!
But positive was that I got Lyra and Daisy. HEH LOVE THEM TO THE CORE! AAAAH!

still I managed to get one anchor through this. I wouldnt name them, but they know who they are.

I was so busy with the above aspect that I forgot about time. Time.. time.. I wish I had more time.
I had already cremated two people this year. Never thought... never... that I would cremate one of my own.

I was so angry with my family, and so self absorbed in my own things, that I forgot. And this is something I will definitely remember. This year... I lost my grandfather. A man, I spent most of my childhood with. It was august. I remember him being sick, and us taking pictures on 6th of August.. all of us. Never really thought we wouldnt have him anymore after 20 days. I remember him wishing me happy birthday 2 days before my birthday because he thought he wouldnt live to see it.
Then, he made a special video for my birthday... yes.. and also wished me at 12 , on my birthday. This man, lying on his deathbed, thought wishing me was more important than his condition.

I will say this now. I tried my best not to cry. I was sad that I felt I couldnt say goodbye to him properly. I wish I could have.. I wish I could do the rituals. I WISH! I do miss him. I miss him while I write this. The man who thought I was good at maths.
Some might think its easy for me, because I was closer to my grandmother. But .. this was my first grandparent loss. and I couldnt... I didn't know how to. I believed they were immortal. I believed I had more time with them.

I had a rock through this period. Actually two rocks. You both helped me through this. I do not know if you will read this. But if you do, just know, I could not have come out of a lot of things, if all of you weren't there. You guys helped me get aware of my demons.

This brings me to Lameeya. Ah, what do I even say about her. I did not expect her to come. It's something like a novel about love.. well more on the modern side. But i think I knew the moment I met her. Walking around CP and old ruins only because we both were too broke to actually go for a fancy first date. I also know I will marry this girl (Much to the displeasure of my parents/family/country/half of the world population)
Also I took a decision that I want to do further studies in something I really enjoy.


Things with my family are better at the end of this year. I hope I am done with the budha experience. I hope..... 2018 will again... hopefully, suprise me. Oh and I'm turning 25, so legal drinking age. WOOT WOOT.




Also Shout out to these guys, mostly because they were constantly perstering me through out my whole , weird after break up phase -

Anuradha, Well.. my annual note doesnt really mean anything without your presence in it. You have been such a constant through the good and bad.

Dimri, still pissed at you because of ireland. but you know I love you.

Saundy,I hope to continue pestering you through most of 2018 as well.

Kritika, boy do I love you so much. enough said.

Mansi, you have been absent, but i know you are there when I need you.

Sadia, You were an unexpected surprise. I dont think I've ever had a friendship quite like this one. Hoping it survives the test of time.

Yasha, I feel like anything I say would not be enough to cover our friendship. MAN! i didnt even think you'd want to be friends with me, after everything. XD

Tania, i'm glad we stuck to being friends. Varanasi, discovering history, everything was so much fun with you around.

Myna, The agony aunt who always was there. I remember crying and running to you, because I needed a hug. I needed someone to listen to me. Thank you.

NEHA GULATI!!!  Just wanted to caps lock your name. Love you! <3

Unamed person! - just... call me sometimes, it's nice!
AVS!! - YOU ARE AMAZING! AND WOOF WOOF! :3

Okay. I think i put in most of my emotions in this (Most that exist anyway).

Hope for a good 2018. HAPPY NEW YEAR GUYS!


P.s. - Above are only a fraction of what i could describe about the year, its too complicated.
P.P.S - It's overall a very gray experience.
P.p.p.s - I love chocolates, have diabetes, and have slip disc. yeah okay missed that out. think im done now.

You were real to me

When we first spoke,
I had given up on life,
I had given up on the idea that I could be loved,
I could be appreciated,
And then you just came,
From out of nowhere.

You said you found me beautiful,
Even when I refused to believe it myself.
Not a day went by, when you weren't there for me,
We were miles apart, you were there.

We fought, we cried, we laughed,
Every memory I made with you,
It was so beautiful, So innocent.

I never had a reason to doubt you,
Not even when the world was telling me,
That you weren't what you seemed,
I believed you, I still do believe in you,

You saved my life,
You made me believe in myself again,
You helped me grow, and then.. then we drifted

Your life seemed so different from mine,
Yet after all that time, we found each other again,
Only, our relationship had evolved,

You were the most amazing support structure I had,
And never did I ever think you would manipulate me,
Yet here we are..

I don't even know who you are anymore,
I miss you, yet I don't know how to talk to you, because you aren't you ,


Wish you would connect with me again,
And tell me who you are, because I want to thank you,
Thank you for saving me,

Till then... I Hope for the day when you finally see what I saw in you

You scare me

I wish I could easily express what I feel,
Easily speak to you, like you speak to me.
Make you understand how you make me feel,
Make you see what I am now without you.

I am in awe of you,
the essence of you,
the way you make me feel safe,
when the rest of the world has always been a threat.

I remember the day I met you,
I was so nervous, I told you things,
Things I would never say to people.
You were kind to me.

I saw you for the first time that night,
It felt real, it felt so different.
I didn't know you,
But I felt like I belonged.

I was confused by how you could be,
Be the person I needed at that point,
change, adapt , be different, yet be mine,
when you are with me.

You have such a big heart,
always loving , always giving, always caring,
I wonder if you let people take care of you,
treat you the way you should be treated.

Your absence makes me feel empty,
Your presence makes me overwhelmed,
I need you to see this side of me,
To understand how I am.

I feel a pinch of jealousy,
It doesn't make sense I know,
but I wish I could sweep you away,
and speak to you any time I wanted to.

For now, I will just stick to this,
hoping I will one day,
Have the courage to make you see.

Love ?

Love is not who you think it will be,
It hits us in the most unexpected way,
Love won't come to you if you try to hard,
Love won't come to you if you don't try either.

Love is a strange thing.
Yet... All our life we seek for love,
Be it from your family, your lover or
even the cute little fur ball you have at your home.

Love is never absent,
Yet it's never present either.
Love is just there,
In a constant state of suspension.

Love will make you win,
Love will defeat you.
People have written countless things about love,
Yet with all those words of wisdom,
We find ourselves clueless about love.

The Poet

I recently learned that hurt makes you a poet,
You start speaking your emotions through poetry,
Express yourself in words people hardly understand.
I say hardly because the most beautiful poems I've ever read, are so cryptic .
I read them when I was younger, they were just well written.

I re-read them again, and now they have a different meaning to me.

They touch my soul, and I feel like I live through them.
They are not my words, yet I feel so connected.
Sometimes I wish those poets weren't dead.
Sometimes I feel I'm dead. 

Devoid of emotions,
till I hear a love song,
read a love poem ,
read a poem about grief, see someone suffer.

Why do we need such extreme things to happen,
to make us feel? 

I feel so much.
And then some days I feel nothing.

It's a tough place to be in.
I'm a tough person to be around.
I wish everything was not extreme. 

I wish.. everything was back to last year this time.
When the most beautiful thing in my life happened.

Though I don't get to rewind, only move forward.
Forward with... Forward to...?
I don't know it's all hazed up now.
I'm tired now, I just want all of this to fade away... I want to fade away

Fear

Have you ever been afraid?
Afraid of what people might think of you,
Afraid of what you might think of you,
If you want this way , instead of the other.

Fear has always been paralyzing to me.
Destroying relationships I thought I needed.
Jealousy and insecurities surfaced, 

because of my fear of myself.

I talk to people, and get to know them.
They think they know me, but they don't.
I hide myself, I hide the real me.
I let fear ensure that I never be vulnerable.

Fear has been my only friend,
It has also been my worst enemy.
Seeping in, to ensure I have no other friend.
Going away when I really need it most.

I stopped feeling fear for a while in my life,
Then the unspeakable happened,
And now... Fear clings on to me,
Like a horrible shadow, unwilling to let go.

Taking a stance

It's been a while since I wrote here.

Not because I didn't want to, but because I had a hard time processing things that were happening.


A few weeks back, I let go of all the inhibitions i had about letting go and finally let go of my family. You know how I was more worried about how I would displease them, what people around would say, what it makes me seem like.

I was more concerned about how people perceived me to be rather than being more focused on what I felt.
I believed making others happy, will make me happy. And it did, for a while.

As a child I remember wanting to be perfect. Studying more, scoring good marks, trying to be a good person. Why? Because I was told I was a selfish little brat, who cared about nothing but herself.

I still am told that, and if I say it doesn't affect me, I lie.

I have always tried to be the perfect child, you know the one who has a stable job, is independent, has always tried to do good by her parents, and by her family and by her friends.

My parents used to joke about how whoever marry's me will come and drop me home after a few months because they can't tolerate me.
Well guess what guys? It really did happen.

They weren't wrong.

I speak to my ex, and she tells me that...... I was the one who ended us. Because I was unstable.
Well, I still am, only a little different, a little better, a little older.

So before going into details about how things were, I would like to say how things are.


My parents havent contacted me because I ruined dad's birthday. Sad part is I know I did. I mean... i guess whatever I do isnt enough to please them.

Ofcourse you guy's dont understand what I mean, and think that what could be so serious, so bad that you would do something like that. Believe me I'd share , but then again, I care about my parent's still.

The fact that people do not know certain things make them super confident that they can get away with things. Ha if you guys knew how long this took for me to figure out.

Emotional blackmailing works. Only till the time i let it.


Anyway , clearly this thing is still bothering me . so i stop here. Take care Naina today

Relationships and everything else

As much as I would like to talk about my dating life here, this piece is more about individual relationships.

I recently met someone who told me that you are defined by the 5 people who are around you. I thought about it, and if I really want to get into the whole ordeal of relationships, I dont think I have a very very strong bond with anyone but those select few.

Do they define how I act?
I don't think so. Things I have recently discovered about myself is that I have a pattern. A pattern that I will do destructive behaviour till I am completely drained. The drained out me is too tired to argue about matters, and I just go with the flow. This happens till i regain energy, and then I seek a second to my reign of destruction.

I dont like being alone. Nobody does, but being a lesbian in this country, its not the law that bothers me. It's more of the societies impact on my parents.

I dont live in a society where I can say I am gay, and it wont bug me what people say because I am happy. I live somewhere where people think your parents failed as people, if you turn out to be gay. I mean who cares if that's what makes you happy?
Certainly not the society, because its absolutely their right to poke their f*cking nose in somebody else's business. AND they cant see you happy, because if you are happy, they get jealous.

People forget that children do grow up. When I step out of the house, I am my own person. My parents raised me yes, and I couldn't be more proud of myself. They have taught me things that matter. Things like being there for people at their worst times. It doesnt matter if you cant be there for the good times, but you should always be there during sadness.
They taught me how to love.
They taught me how to be responsible for myself, and the fact that just because I am a girl, it does not mean I cant do stuff.
I find myself having a good job, good education, good house only because they did their best to ensure I had the resources.

Having said, they didnt make me who I am. It is my life experiences, the people in my life, everything that made me who I am.

I made friends in school, college even after college. That impacted how I turned out to be as well.

I know what is right and wrong, and I know what is just wrong.

Discriminating someone on the basis of who they love is wrong. Love is supposed to be positive, its one of the most positive feelings in the world.
Not doing something for someone who is being beat up/teased/harrased in public is wrong.

I know what I believe in, and it involves people not being hurt by my actions. However if my actions are directed towards how I want to live, I think its not anybody's business to be hurt. It is my business. If my actions hurt me, then I would not blame anyone else but me.

However If I listen to people, and do what they ask, and live an unhappy life just because its the "right" thing to do. I will resent them.


It's up to you guys to decide what you would rather have.


Signing off till then.

Go go go!

All charged up I was, when I heard I would be exploring the town on my own. I left in the morning, in search of something exciting and interesting. I walked to the Ganges, it was beautiful, with people doing weddings, and everything was so loud. There was a man on the street who had a cobra. Well it was rather interesting but then again I didn't want to go near a cobra in a foreign place.
I decided to visit a cafe, pizzeria, a cute open place where they claim to have very good pizza's.
Unfortunately when I arrived they said that they serve pizza's only after 12pm, so I asked them, what can I have, and they suggested the pasta's.

It was real nice as a setting, I could see Ganga flowing right next to me, while I ordered for a ravioli. In mid conversation I mentioned that I was a hotelier, so the owner of the restaurant decided to come join me. He seemed like a great guy, with a vegetarian restaurant. He did not serve alcohol in his restaurant. I did ask him how he managed to make his food taste so fresh, and he mentioned about having his own garden where he gets things from.
It is a beautiful cafe, if you come to Varanasi you must try it.
And the apple pie.... It just melts in your mouth.

After a nice hour long conversation with the gentleman and exchanging food and beverage knowledge, I decided to head to our place, as it was too hot to walk around.

This was an important meeting, and I would know after a few days.

So this trip was supposed to be a cleanser for me. You know Ganga is supposed to wash out everything. The next few days were slow, not because we had nothing to do, but because it was too freaking hot.

I mean my friends were going out in the heat and the sun, and I was chilling inside the house, reading a book, listening to music, watching Big bang theory.

I did go to see a relative of my friends, and see one of the biggest hospitals in Varanasi for her reports. I also got to have mango shake with her! "Nom nom" On our way back she got a sweet lassi (which I was only allowed to taste and not drink, mean people!)

We went to big bazaar one evening, it was nice, going grocery shopping for the month. On our way back, i accidentally had a mouthful of spicy chutney. Fun times.

I also got a chance to teach someone how to cycle for an evening, and a chance to visit one of the biggest hospitals in Varanasi. BHU hospital, ah that was some trip.

So I enter BHU hospital, with hopes of finding someone to enquire about the tests they conduct and timings of the same. I go to the counter along with a friend and I observe there is nobody at the counter, infact the whole place seemed deserted.

It is supposed to be in league with AIIMS, and believe me I have been in both. AIIMS as long as the waitlist may be, does have people you can run to, in case you want to enquire about something.  BHU gets deserted by 6pm. I finally gave up on the thought of finding a doctor for the blood tests for the friend and decided I would find an alternate.
After this trip to the hospital we finally got to go cycling, and man i was scared of the cycle. The breaks were dysfunctional and if someone had to learn cycling in that, they should not be on the road. Which is exactly what we did. We went to the field, roamed around there, hit a few bricks, fell(well atleast she did, and I let her get up on her own).

I remember letting her cycle on the road while her son and I were running behind her (good cardio!)

After a lovely Mango shake, my friend and her son decided to head home, while I went momo hunting. Apparently there was a good momo shop there, which had 'chicken' momos. That was sort of a rarity. On my way back, I was enjoying the silent walk alone. My friend was right, there is something beautiful about doing things on your own.

Next day my friends took me to karkis (I hope i spelt it right). A very chill place, with homemade pasta. Ah... we did a lot of things there. It felt nice, and I felt like I could eat a lot of spicy stuff. I think i did too, because my lips and tongue were burnt the next day.

Next day another friend from Delhi arrived, and it was the four of us.

We went for a wedding that night at Kiran's home town. Saw her mud house, it was rather cute. Tried to play with the cows, but it was too dark, and I think they were scared (or maybe I was).
We did not really attend the wedding, so we ate food and came back to our place in Assi ghaat.

So, this friend of mine was rooming with me, though she does work with my other friends.
Hanging out at karki's, drinking beautiful wine. I must say californian wines have become a sort of favourite.

After a slow night, and difficulty in walking back to home we all sat and chilled out together. I found myself bonding with Kiran over something, but considering how high I was... I would have bonded with her anyway.

The next few days changed a lot of things for me. Tania and I were taken to a school. The school had these beautiful children, all with their own issues. It was rather cute how they did not want us to leave, so we had to literally sneak out.

Kiran took Tania and me to the dera (Again spelling it correct I hope), that... made me feel super priviledged. Knowing the fact that I was sitting under a bridge on a carpet in the blazing sun. I remember how red my ears had become, and it was very hot. Just a few minutes there made my sugar dip. I wonder how those people survive there daily.

We did go for lunch after that, and for some strange reason there was a tension between my friend and I. I think both of us let the heat get to our head. Mostly the mood was not good after what I saw. Ofcourse things were to sort slowly, by themselves. But yeah, it was probably a time when I felt alone. Tania was around, she had missed her train, so ofcourse she was around.

I got a chance to do things by myself, because of the tension between my friends and I. Slowly starting to believe that a person who claims to love me also cant be around me. Maybe Mita was right, maybe... It is difficult to live around me. I did get a chance to reflect on that bit. Oh boy did my anxiety peek. Enough to make me wanna go back home sooner than I expected.

So one evening I just randomly went to the ghaat, sat at pizzaria, had the ravioli, had a conversation with the owner again. Decided to get ganga jal, for my boss. I took a boat to the center of the river, because the ghaat was too dirty. For a river they call holy, they sure do polute it a lot.

I convinced the boatman to let me row the boat, because I could. I witnessed sunset over the old buildings of varanasi. It was majestic. After the boat ride, I went and sat on the ghaat, and decided to wait for the Aarti. This guy gave me some lemon tea. It had its own freshness, it was delicious!

Watching the Aarti gave me a sense of peace. I am not a religious person, yet I found myself enjoying the ambience and the lights and the aura that surrounded the whole thing was so calming.

Finally at 8pm... i went back to the room. I entered and I decided I needed to mend things. I spoke to them about stuff, about what I did, and my friend and I hugged it out. It does not change the fact that I feel different about myself now.

Co-existing with someone for me is not easy, not at this time. Maybe I am a ball of anxiety, and maybe I just dont do well with others.

Next day we went to my hotel, Nadesar palace. Ah, that was some well deserved luxury after the long ass struggle my friends had. We swam, we had a hair cut, we walked around 46 acres, we ordered room service. They left a day before my flight. That night... I slept at 2am, and woke up at 5am, thank god for wake up calls.

The indigo flight itself was very amusing, with their peppy themes and everything.

My trip in varanasi was not supposed to be spiritual, but it ended up being exactly that. The city is majestic, and there actually is magic around. Yes, things do need to change, but I am hoping my friend suceeds in that.

Till then, I will keep on helping them in the little ways I can.

Signing out now.

My first day in one of the oldest city

Recently I've been going through a lot of things. My friend who has her own company operates from Varanasi. So I decided to go help her with her project .

You know when you are raised in a city and don't know how freaking privileged you are. Well I guess I am about to find out.

Today I arrived at Varanasi early in the morning and well,I was so excited that I was up since 4am. Obviously my friends were sleeping and i didntwanna wake them, so I stood at the door of the train , taking the fresh breeze running through my hair. When they woke up. I decided to sit and chill with them till we arrived at Varanasi at 8am.

I was expecting a culture shock, but the city seems familiar. Infact I was in awe of the beauty that is surrounding the city. We reached our guest house and all of us decided to just crash for a while. And why shouldn't we, we are tired and we needed to rest.

My friends decided to take me to this popular place for breakfast, it's known as Aum cafe. A vegetarian only restaurant, where all the food is fresh and the menu was rather interesting.
A big place like that did not have a card swiping machine because the bank did not give them the machine. They applied 4 months ago.
Cash... Is a major currency here for those of who aren't aware . Demonitization had hit this place pretty hard.
Later on we decided to crash for a bit and I decided to make tea at our place.
After a decent cup of tea, and me almost blowing up the kitchen, my friends took me to a place where I never imagined I would go.
I met someone who... By all means was really smart. She cleans houses and has a man who thinks he owns her because he is a man.
This man, sees us and does not acknowledge us. However tries his best to embarass this girl. my friend shows me her files that show that a doctor prescribed her unnecessary pills for her problem. And also just got a glucose and urine test done for probably an STD she has.

The doctors are shit here. Misusing the fact that these people are not educated. Extracting money off them. It was a reality check. So after a simple meal at her place. While walking back, I tell my friend, we have work to do.
And yes we will do it.

Here is hoping she succeeds in her endeavours.

Signing off till tomorrow.